Roommate Living 101

Feb18

What are some tips on how to live with roommates and not have too much drama?

She Said…

Whether you have your first roommate in college or are living in a house with 4 roommates who are all professionals living life in the “real world,” here are some tips for navigating the roommate world. I have lived with roommates, sometimes one at a time, sometimes 4, for over 10 years, so I can offer a little list of things to keep in mind.

Share Responsibilities: It is important to set the stage in who will take out the trash, share bill paying, clean the bathroom and empty the dishwasher- rotate chores or keep the same- try a system and if it doesn’t work try another one- find something that works for everyone. When you set out a chore chart like taking out the trash or weeding and people are not doing their job, it is ok to talk to them about it as everyone needs to pull their weight.

Set Expectations and Rules: Will everyone pay the bills within a week of getting them? Will overnight guests of either gender be allowed to stay over? Ask and answer some basic living style questions- work out a system and style that works. Don’t expect everyone to agree but find solutions that can be respectful compromises, and know what you won’t compromise.

Pick Your Battles Wisely- Do not make a big deal or complain about every little or big thing your roommate does or doesn’t do- the only one who will be most annoyed is yourself. Pick your battles on what is important to you- what really bothers you and solutions for how to fix it. One time my roommates and I had an epic long cable conflict. We couldn’t decide on what cable package to buy, some people didn’t want t.v. others did but didn’t have money. We finally voted on it and re-voted on it every year and sometimes it changed, sometimes it didn’t. Democracy worked, even though I was not happy when I could not view all the Hallmark channel Christmas shows since that was not in our package for a few years running.

Communicate and Resolve Conflict: Learn basic conflict resolution skills- listen and respect the other person even when you don’t agree. Share your thoughts and opinions and stand up for yourself (respectfully) if and when needed.

Laugh together and have fun: When you wake up in the morning and see black dots all over your floors and then realize they are moving and they realized your house is in invaded with termites and then realize it is not a good idea to try and vacuum them up as then they will just live in your vacuum and then you wait outside for the exterminator in your p.j.s, make sure you laugh together. Whoever said laughter is the best medicine was very wise indeed.

She Said Also…

Roommate living is a challenge, no matter how well you get along with any or all roommates. I was always very lucky because in college, I had the same roommate the whole time. We lived well together and rarely were there issues. That is unique. Upon graduating college, I bought my own condo where I lived alone for many years. And then I met my husband and the talk about living together came up. I won’t lie, I was about as reluctant as they come because of how spoiled I had been for years with my roommate situation(s). I wasn’t necessarily scared that I couldn’t live with him. I was scared that he wouldn’t be able to live with ME. It doesn’t take long for someone to get set in their ways and I feared that I would be a difficult person to live with.

When we dove into living together, we started out being rather polite with certain chores. Both of us are “particular” (that’s a nicer way of putting it) so certain things just happened naturally. That’s my first tip. See what sort of things happen naturally before having discussions about every little detail.

However, lucky )or unlucky) for my husband, I’m a bit of a control freak. So when we moved in together, I immediately ASKED to take over certain chores like managing the bills (although I complain about it every month). That’s tip #2. There ARE certain things that need to be determined early on. Look at what items are essential to your everyday living and make sure you address those things up front so you don’t end up with your electricity turned off or late fees on the cable bill because no one took ownership.

The longer we lived together though, the more “tense” things started to get in regards to who was doing what chores. The issue became that BOTH of us felt the other one was not pulling their weight. But what happened was that we didn’t really know what the other person was doing with other chores like yard work, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. So the little things like emptying the dishwasher or putting dishes away weren’t getting  done. That is my final tip. Communicate. Let your roommate know what you plan to do or what you have done. If at any point you feel like your roommate is not pulling their weight, talk to them. Don’t let the frustration build up. Talk to them, work out a plan, and ask for help.

Living with someone is not easy whether they are your best friend, your spouse, your sister, or a complete stranger. You learn things about people you live that you would otherwise not want to know (seriously!) But with communication and flexibility, you can always make it work (unless your roommate is down right crazy…then I got nothin’ for ya).

Valentine’s Day, Go Away!

Feb11

I’m single and not looking forward to Valentine’s Day. What should I do?

She Said…

I can completely 100% sympathize with you! I have been single many valentine days and I have taken several approaches to the day.

First, I have to take stock in my emotional health the week leading up to the day. I ask myself “Self, how do you want to deal with it this year?” Sometimes I mull it over and sometimes I know immediately. Every year there is one standard I follow. I send my parents and grandma a card. The rest is up for negotiation. Here are some of my themes and keep in mind these are all variations on “how to survive Vday when you are single.”

Embrace It – This would include wearing pink or red (on purpose), baking something nice for the office, decorating my home or office with some type of holiday items, going out to a vday party or dinner. Listen to the Delilah dedications and just be happy for all those who are in love….

Defy It – This is the approach of deliberately making plans with girlfriends for the night of and having a ”we are single but don’t care” kind of night. This could involve a group dinner out with martinis, a night out on the town, a night with chick flicks and chocolate, etc. This would also be the cateogry of angry chick music. Do not listen to romantic love songs, in fact I recommend playing Queen or Nickelback but you still need to screen the songs as some of them are still love songish and not approproate for the Defy It approach.

Ignore It- Decline any and all invitations related to theme one or two. Do not watch any chick flicks and stay away from chocolate on principle. Plan something mundane like errands or the gym after work and treat the night like any other one after a typical days work.

Switch It Up – Look at it not as a romantic love holiday but as a love is love holiday and call your grandmother, do a community service project, do something secretly nice for your coworker, treat strangers with extra kindness that day and in general do your best to show the love to any and all you meet that day. If you know a friend is really struggling with being single, offer to hang out and talk with them. Ask them what they need so they can get through the day without a huge meltdown.

Most of the time I am doing some combination of these. I think this year I am going for 80% defy it, 5% ignore it and 10% switch it up. I am leaving 5% open for interpretation. Last year I was 100% embrace it so I needed a break from that one.

I hope one of those approaches helps you, or if you have another idea/strategy, please do share. Somebody should write a book on how to get through V-Day in all seasons of life. Any takers?

She Said Also…

Valentine’s Day, Shmalentine’s Day. Most will probably think I’m incredibly cynical about the whole idea of Valentine’s Day after reading this, but I don’t care. Yes, I am married. Yes, I had spent many a Valentine’s Day alone. Yes, I think Valentine’s Day is overhyped.

I heard something on the radio this morning that almost caused me to drive off the road. They were talking about Valentine’s Day and that the average amount a man spends on Valentine’s Day is $272. WHAT THE???!!! Here’s the thing (and this goes for ladies out there too)…why? Why do we need one day a year to show our love for our boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, love interests? Shouldn’t you show your love everyday? Be thankful every day for having a special person and special people that you love. Do you really need to spend $272 on Valentine’s Day to show that? You know what means more to me? Surprising me with flowers on a random Tuesday in July. Cooking me a delicious dinner because you “felt like it.” Having a girls day with my girlfriends because we haven’t hung out in a while. Getting a hug from someone because it looked like I needed one. Not spending a bunch of money on a day that Hallmark decided to capitolize on because people feel obligated to show their love every year on February 14th.

Now, give me a moment to step off my soap box.

My advice? Stay away from Facebook and Twitter and all of those social media sites where people will post pictures about how wonderful their spouse is and what amazing things they received/gave/bought. Put your PJ’s on, get a big old greasy cheeseburger, a chocolate milkshake, watch stupid TV shows and treat February 14th like any other day of the year. OR, if you must do something, go out with your girlfriends, get some drinks, and have a good time.

I, on the other hand, am going to wait for a random Thursday in October to show all of my loved ones how much I love and appreciate them. And then I will show them my love every day before and after that. THAT’S what is important (sorry if it appeared that I got back on my soap box…stepping down now).

Winter Woes

Feb6

I’m tired of winter. Any tips on making it through the final months?

She Said…

I recommend some retail therapy- buy a warm new sweater or new fuzzy socks. The good news is they are all on sale now! The bad news is, there is no variety. For example, today I went out to buy some new ski gloves and there was literally one pair left. They were bright lime green. I don’t have anything against lime green but they just don’t go with my ski outfit. I am such a bad skier, that I at least want to look as presentable as possible when I am crashing on the slopes. But this year it will be “there goes the girl in the bright lime hideous huge mittens tumbling down the hill again.” But I have digressed…

Another thing that is fun is to plan a spring or summer trip or outing so you have something to look forward to immediately as the nice weather hits. I think I pretty much do this in some form every year and find it very helpful.

And last but not least, enjoy your caffeine addiction. Drink many cups of hot tea, cocoa or coffee to get you through a bleak winter day and just be sure to hit the gym afterward to try and burn off some energy so you can sleep at night.

She Said Also…

The final month of winter is rough, especially because it is usually the worst (if you live in the mid-Atlantic region!) Now is about the time where people go stir crazy and long for the warmth of the sun and the sand under their feet. If that’s the point you are at, take a trip! Taking a trip during the heart of winter is a perfect way to escape your winter woes. Go somewhere warm, go somewhere sunny, go anywhere your heart desires!

If a trip isn’t in the cards for you, then create a vacation at home. Create your own oasis at home…make tropical cocktails, pick out a summer movie, even put on your bathing suit (just turn up the heat in your house first). And voila! You have your summer oasis in the privacy of your own home.

Your final option is to just embrace winter. Drink your weight in hot chocolate, bundle up in sweaters, fleece, and blankets, and hunker down for the remainder of the cold weather. It’ll make you appreciate the warmer weather even more.

The Superbowl Party Etiquette

Jan29

The superbowl is approaching and I hate football. Should I go to the superbowl party and pretend to like the game?

She Said…

You have to assess the culture of the superbowl party- if everyone there is serious about the game then you will have to be too and if that annoys you then just don’t go. If there are a mix of people at the party, some of whom don’t mind holding conversations during the game or commercials, then you might consider going and enjoying yourself.

However, when people are trying to watch t.v be respectful since both the game and the commercials are something people look forward to for weeks. If you don’t go to a party or watch the game at home, just have fun shopping or watching a movie or hanging out with friends who aren’t watching the superbowl. And just beware that the next day everyone will be talking about the comercials and who won as we have to admit, love it or hate it, the superbowl is part of our U.S. culture.

On a somewhat related note, if you love football and go to a superbowl party and then get annoyed that people are talking or mingling- I am sorry but that is part of the deal. You might just want to stay home if you need a secluded non-distraction kind of place to watch. You will just miss out on all the great party food or have to make your own!

She Said Also…

Go, go to the Superbowl party! Here’s the thing about Superbowl parties, the people who will truly care about the game will be glued to the TV set and those who are there “just because” will find elsewhere to hang out.

There is no reason to pretend to like the game. Go and be upfront with your interests. If you are there to watch the commercials, awesome. If you are there to watch the game, even better. If you are there to just eat the food and drink the drinks, bottoms up! As She Said, the Superbowl is part of our culture. You may not understand it and there is nothing wrong with that but it might do some good to TRY and understand.

I dare say though, just as people should be respectful of your intent for being there, you should also ensure you are respectful of their intent to be there. So if you feel the need to chit chat or what have you, take it on the road away from the TV. Or you may not get invited back to the Superbowl party next year…!

A New Job, A New Life

Jan17

I’m really nervous about starting my new job. Any tips on how to manuveur the first day? Or even week?

She Said…

A new job is a great new opportunity!Here are a few quick tips to help you get started:

  • Put in Overtime: You have to learn a lot of information and potentially pick up new skills or brush up on old ones- consider the first few weeks a time where you may need to bring extra readings or trainings home so you can hit the ground running as soon as possible with your contributions to your team.
  • Meet and Greet: Ask colleagues for coffee or lunch- get to know who they are and what they do, this will go a long way for work relationships and teamwork later on, it also helps to just show that you care about them as a person, not just a colleague.
  • Make Yourself Indispensable:  Prove yourself through hard work, you can’t be too careful with securing your place. Learn as many skills as possible, volunteer for projects when the opportunity arises and offer ideas and feedback when appropriate. All these things will help your supervisors see you are invaluable to the company!

Work hard and enjoy new opportunities and build your career!

She Said Also…

Congratulations on the new job! Onward and upward, right??

Navigating a new job is difficult. You are entering a whole new environment and atmosphere with people who you most likely have never met before. You are the “newbie” and will be the newbie until the next newbie comes along. Are you even more scared now??

Regardless of what you do, you will be nervous so first just accept that. Second, take your time to feel out the environment and get to know how the people around there work.  Finally, go into the new job with gusto. This is a new chance, a new professional life. Show your new job how eager you are. Be willing to try anything (within reason, of course!) And go for the gold!

New Years Resolutions: Rescued and Revamped

Dec31

Help! I can’t think of any new year’s resolution I haven’t already resolved and promptly broken the second week of January. How do I make a new year’s resolution I can keep and should I keep trying the old ones or start new ones?

She Said:

Since it is a new year, you can let go of the guilt from last year and try, try again. If it is a goal you really want, go for it again. Set attainable baby steps and if you “mess up” think of it not as a total failure but as a part of the process. By giving yourself “grace moments” you can keep moving up to meet your goal.

I recommend having one fun goal, one serious goal and one goal you won’t mind breaking. For instance, my fun goal might be to try to eat a different kind of food or dish at least once a month. Notice I said “eat” and not cook. Therefore, I leave it up to my own interpretation whether I cook something new or go out to eat. I also set the bar low- I think I could do this at least twice a month but I want a goal I can achieve. If I miss one month, I can double up the next month, that way I feel like I am still on track!

For a serious goal, one example might be to do something nice for someone every day. Notice the vagueness in this goal- it will be very helpful later on. Doing something nice can be an action or saying something nice. Between your coworkers, strangers you meet running errands, family and friends, this is an easy one to make happen and it can be very natural. It is basically just a discipline to put some thoughtfulness into each day’s actions and love and serve your neighbors/people in your life. This one also requires some grace moments in order to stay ontrack.  Lets say you have an awful day (or awful week) and you feel like you were run over by a train with all the stress that occurred and you realize all you did was wake up, get through your day and go to bed. Never fear my friend, this is when the grace moments rule applies- you can just spend a day  or two catching up and doing extra special things for a lot of people and your goal will still be obtained- you are adding in thoughtfulness and service to your days. This is one I try for every year- so we will see how 2013 goes!

For the goal I don’t mind breaking, that is easy. It is the goal of exercising 30 minutes a day. Do people who do that have full time jobs and/or families to care for get this one done? Whoever does achieve this goal, I could use their advice. I have read all the magazine articles over the years and it seems that it basically comes down to time management and dedication- and lets be honest. The first thing that goes out the window when you are tired is exercise. But this is one that I always put on the list anyway and then am happy if I just get exercise in a few times a week.

And for those of you who might be thinking I am an overachiever for having multiple goals- you are right but just remember they are different categories of goals. I could easily add more to each category but for the sake of not boring you too much, you get the general idea here. I bet there are many people out there with way more goals and goals that are way harder to achieve so they beat me on the over achievement rating scale :)

She Said Also:

On this day of New Years Eve, people around the world are making and already breaking New Years resolutions. So, let’s start by erasing any guilt you may have about your New Years resolutions because let’s face it, New Years resolutions are meant to be broken. The way I approach New Years resolutions is very simple. I make them (typically only one and I follow She Said’s advice to make it vague), I work for a little while to not break them. 9 times out of 10 I WILL break them. I’ll make a second attempt at the New Years resolution. The second time around, I may break it again but if I actually succeed, that’s an even bigger success!

I think choosing a New Years resolution (or 2 or 3 even) is a good way to give yourself a challenge. But if you don’t follow through with it, don’t worry. Try again later in the year or even the next year. The fact that you made a resolution shows that you have goals, you want to try and improve, and you are giving yourself something to strive towards. Focus on that. It may even help you stick to the resolution!

Happy New Year! Here is to making and breaking New Years resolutions!

Auld Lang Syne and all that jazz…

Dec27

Any suggestions on things to do for New Years Eve? I’m feeling rather “meh” about the whole day.

She Said…

First of all, try not to stress too much and don’t fake excitement as those two things will just make it worse.

As She Said also mentioned, don’t feel you have to impress anyone- figure out what will be fun and relaxing to you. Some people go out to dinner or cook dinner at home. Some people have friends over and some people just go to bed before the ball drops since they have seen that happen each year for a long time and it is the same thing each time, right?! Some people go to those hotel all nighter things or go up to NYC, more power to you! Although I have had some dear friends do both of those and they seem to not be all they are cracked up to be.

For an alternative new years idea (sort of like the idea of an alternative spring break) see if you can volunteer somewhere- hang out with the church youth group kids  for a lock in or concert/event. Or you can offer to babysit your friend’s kids or niece or nephew. Or if you are around family, call up your grandmother and go have dinner and a glass of wine together. It definitely helps kick you out of the “meh” feeling when you go for the alternative approach!

She Said Also…

I know exactly what you mean. There are many years where I have felt “meh” about New Years Eve. I’ve always felt there was a lot of pressure to do something extravagent for New Years Eve and it would have to be the “end all and be all of New Years Eve” events. I’ve come to my senses finally. Doing nothing for New Years Eve, is OK. Gone are the days of having to get dressed up to the nines or going to a total rager of a party. I tell you what, I’ve tried all of those and none of them ended up well for anyone involved.

So here is what I say. If you want to throw a New Years Eve party, go for it. Keep it casual, invite some close friends. Eat some food. Watch the ball drop. If you want to stay home and do nothing, go for it. Who cares anymore! Celebrate New Years Eve how you want to. Don’t worry about making it a big deal anymore.